Vent Blog :(

i feel like i'm not myself today because i'm not putting enough enthusiasm anymore as soon as i had a birthday. it was actually fun putting on a show, but now, that show's just become a facade to make people happy. i havent been able to understand myself because i just move way too quick after my birthday happened. my mind is racing and it just hasn't been able to stop because i can't believe anything nor trust. i've always put on a facade because i like seeing other people happy but now it's affecting me that i'm not happy, and i can't make myself happy because i don't know how to. every time i think i know what i'm doing, i fall off a cliff and hit a road bump. i don't know how to handle the situation myself because it's been going downhill ever since my birthday. all i feel now is anxiety, depression and more because i can't handle myself. i feel like the mask is slipping off because i keep arguing with people and taking more damage to heart. i want help, but i can't call out for it, because i feel weak when i call out for help. i want to keep my show of happiness running but nobody cares. i'm going down a rabbit hole, and i need space, maybe a break.